belonephobia
I had forgotten I was booked in at 2:15pm for my cervical cancer vaccine. So when mum came home & told me to get ready for my doctors appointment I assumed it was for my medication letter for the cruise; I quickly remember what it was for & suddenly but not unexpectedly became overwhelmed.
2:10pm we check into the front desk & my mum asks how many are before us; four.
The doctors were running behind & when you have a phobia of something & you’re made to wait 1 hour 22 minutes, it’s almost unbearable.
The initial anxiety of what I had to face at 2:15pm was hard enough to keep “under control” without being sat there waiting, waiting, waiting.
At first I was okay I thought there’s only four people in front of me, it’s really not that bad.
I counted down, four to go. I checked my phone 2:25pm. *breathe in & out*.
I watch as a mans rushed in needing the emergency room, he passes out half way down the hall & my doctor comes to the rescue. Fuck, I think. Five more to go.
2:31pm. I’m fast becoming a little bit erratic. I’m feeling warm inside my jumper the heat building up in my face. I try & remain focused on anything other than the thought of being in that room. I watch everyone that goes past, the doctors, nurses, the patients, I judge who looks sick & who doesn’t. I’m judging them on how I feel & how I should be before them all. My mum picks up on my vibe & tells me it’s going to be okay.
I can see she’s starting to stress; she’s channelling my mood too quickly.
Three down at 2:45pm. I start sliding my phone up then down, up then down, up then down, up then down, up then down, up then down, up then down, up then down again. I realise that this is probably starting to annoy others waiting; but I continue. They don’t understand what it’s like.. I keep hearing myself justify it.
2:58pm I should stop checking my phone, really that’s only making things worse.
Two down, half way. At this point my hands become shaky, I’m fidgeting like someone on speed, I’ve got a cold sweat happening. I feel embarrassed, like people can read my mind or that they are thinking ‘what’s wrong with that girl, she’s twentyone years old & she’s acting like she’s facing death or something’.
3:13pm one down, you’re next. I swallow hard, my hands are trembling hard & I can’t control it, I put them under my legs & stare at my shoes. I’m chewing on my lip until it hurts.
The patient before me comes walking out. This is it, any moment now & it’s my turn. I have to stand up, walk in there with a brave face & it doesn’t matter if I’m braking underneath.
3:22pm. Goosebumps line both my small arms, my feet feel cold like ice, my chest is burning right up into my face, I tremble & nausea is building in the pit of my stomach. There’s a burning in my eyes, I blink hard & try to conceal the tear; it runs down my face. I brush it away as though it’s nothing. 3:24pm “chloe”, I stand feeling faint.
-skips the intro about the cervical cancer vaccine & the discussion held between mum & the doctor while I pace the room with my eyes-
I lay on the bed, my eyes closed tight, squeezing my insides together & trying to focus on something other than here however, the thoughts in my head, aren’t anywhere near coherent.
-it’s all over in three seconds-
The tears fall freely from my hot eyes & I feel a rush of relief as I know it’s over. The trembling in my hands quickly settles down, the hotness of my body fades away & I’m left laying there breathing more slowly.
I am right to leave but I have to come back in two months for my second one.
I keep telling myself it’s better than the alternative & the alternative being, cervical cancer. I had a shocking experience when I was 8 in hospital with a trainee nurse & her numerous & failed & numerous & failed, attempts at stabbing me (both arms) with an intravenous drip. She scared me emotionally for life. It’s something I can’t get a grip on & something I can’t deal with, it’s something I am waiting to “grow” out of; but I’ve seen a psychologist for many years, it’s something that may never leave me.
Some people don’t understand my phobia of needles & have made jokes about it, or even given me the whole “it’s a tiny prick & it’s over in one second, what’s the big deal?” speech & I don’t expect people to understand, just as I don’t understand peoples fear of the dentist or spiders; but I don’t make fun because I know what fear is like.
My anxiety was through the roof during that hour & I feel utterly exhausted from it. My arm is in serious pain & the typing of this hasn’t helped but I needed to get it off my chest.
Sometimes… That is the best reason to write. Just to clear you mind. That’s why I write. To clear mt mind, stay focused, and get shit off of my chest. Well baby, I hope you have better days gorgeous!!! Thanks again for the comment! When you give me a compliment, it brightens my day and means the world to me… THANK YUO!!!
Shady
Sunday, December 14, 2008 at 4:53 pm
It’s good to let things out from your heart and mind. Don’t bother to those who are making fun about things you feared of, not worth your time they only show how tiny thoughts and feelings they have. Sorry though, it must be hard for you to go through the day like this. Hope you doing fine somehow :)
Re; your comment: thanks for your sweet thoughts, I’m always busy with work, life is ok, but work has taken my time more :( But that’s ok though. I’m sure you feel too ecstatic to go for your holiday :D not long now yeah? Life too short to think about one thing so go out there and have fun ok!
My sister left a comment on your BC? :) she must impressed that you had so many beautiful pictures in your site here, hehe..
Have a blast day for xmas babe! and looking forward to see more pics from you!
xx
Vee
Sunday, December 14, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Argh. No phobia experience here, but fear is terrible no matter what it is you’re afraid of. Writing about it is good, though. It’s the best thing to do. And don’t worry about the idiots who might have been watching you (they probably weren’t paying attention). Hope your arm is feeling better by now (I read on Shady’s that it was still throbbing this afternoon).
And thanks for caring Chloe :) It does help to know there are people who actually care.
cravingoxygen
Monday, December 15, 2008 at 3:55 am
To each is own sweetie… I’m terrified to blow up balloons, and I have a big smile on my face now because I know that made you laugh… but it’s 100% true and I have no clue why!!! I wouldn’t try to blow up a balloon if my life depended on it. Anyways, that vaccine does beat the alternative. My ex (not Brandi) had cervical cancer, so you made a good choice! I hope your weekend went well and I’m glad you liked my post. It really wasn’t about anyone specific, however, I have had some crazies in my days, which helped inspire most of it. Chat with ya later…
Shady
Monday, December 15, 2008 at 8:21 am
thanks 2 drop by an leave a message in my blog, i hope u can be strong woman. basicly all people in this world is a “loner”.
julian
Monday, December 15, 2008 at 10:24 am
Fear is one of the emotions that makes us human. If no one was scared of anything, we would all be a bunch of idiots running around killing each other. I put up a new post… Check it out…
Shady
Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 4:34 am
Thank you for the comment :) You had me smiling and flattered all morning. It’s strange how one thing can remind you of so many different things, both good and bad. Makes me think of this song that goes “Memories bring just diamonds and rust.”
Glad to hear your arms is better :)
cravingoxygen
Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 8:42 am
I promise sweetie… I’ll give you all the details. Thanks for the comment! Have a great trip!
Shady
Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Good. I went out on a date and I have to tell you about it, but it’s a long story and I’m very tired so you’ll have to wait til tomorrow.
Shady
Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 4:16 pm
It’s amazing that when your sitting there waiting, anxious, scared of the unexpected, how we seem to see every second go by on the clock and account every minute of it. I can relate to this more than you know. I have to go for regular check-ups because cervical cancer runs in my family and I go through this every single time. I find while I’m waiting I also “people watch” if that makes sense. LOL. It may be a little weird but I’m always wondering if they’re thinking the same things I am.
ar0undthewaygirl
Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 3:09 am
I was going to mention after reading the first little bit you may have social anxiety, but I now know you have an immense phobia of needles.
I love how it was extremely detailed and precise. I laughed so loud after reading, “I watch as a mans rushed in needing the emergency room, he passes out half way down the hall & my doctor comes to the rescue. Fuck, I think. Five more to go.” That’s hilarious to me, although some people might find that sickening!
freshtodeath
Friday, December 19, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I’ve got my cervical cancer jab tomorrow and i’m proper shitting myself about it. it makes me shake just thinking about it so I know how you feel. It makes it worse to know that I have to have 3 of them. Hope yours went okay.
xx
Hannah
Tuesday, May 12, 2009 at 4:29 am