goodbye animosity
I have had a stressful week, it started with seeing Clint on Sunday (of course). But I have been stressed at home & at work. I guess everywhere is getting busy this time of year, I’m busy at home planning my twentyfirst, organising the cruise, organising sensation. I am busy at work, the phones are mad, the data entry just keeps coming & the accounts still need paying; will it ease up before Christmas(?) I need a holiday..again, already.
As I drove home last night from work I felt overwhelmed & I’m not sure why. It was the first time I had felt this way in a long time.
I pondered what it would be like to swallow a round, chemical tasting, mind alternating pill; to escape into obilivion. How easy it would be to just forget about everything that I had been stressing over, to escape. How easy it would be to let it overcome my body, the warming sensation from my toes to the tip of my head.
I stopped pondering when I realised I was almost home & I had driven on auto pilot the entire way; whilst I fantasised about another world.
The long weekend is coming up, I can rest up then, it’s only two more days. I had time to think about my work whilst I ate my lunch today, how crazy I must have sounded to ask for more work, more responsibility(?). But I am glad I did, I would prefer to be working hard than sitting around going, ‘hrm what shall I do now(?).’ it showed excellent initiative & maturity, I think.
The year is really starting to wind down now, end of the month Friday. Before I know it, it will be 2009 I wonder what goals I’ll set for myself(?) I know what my new years resolution will be, I hope I can stick to it.
Since returning from Fiji I have been reflecting on the year that was. All the time I wasted crying, being depressed & feeling sorry for myself. All the times I had the opportunity to sit down & talk openly with Clint about his addiction, instead of pushing it aside thinking he wasn’t ready yet. The times I felt so anxious my hands trembled & I felt hot, faint & nauseated. The time I missed Daniel’s brothers 21st, to sit in bed all night sobbing uncontrollably, making my eyes red raw, burning with pain & exhausting myself until I feel asleep. Those days I actually believed I was just another stereotypical/materialistic/egotistical/bimbo; what they wanted me to believe, which I am not.
“just before you move forward you have to go back to face the memories, keep delving – as painful as they might seem, reliving them is actually the first step to letting go.” – http://theforgottengirl.wordpress.com/ (who inspired me to write this piece.)
I let go of 2008.
I let go of the heartache, the suffering, the agonising pain & the tears. I let go of the negativity thrown my way by those that aren’t even good people. I let go of the “sorrys” & the apologies that were never the truth. I let go of the resentment, the frustration & the disappointment. I let go of the lies, the cruel words & the physical attacks. I let go of sleepless nights & tired mornings.
I let go of the words that went unsaid, those that I cannot take back & the actions I wish I could change. I let go of the insomina nights, the anxiety days & the nauseated mornings. I let go of the things I cannot change & those that I wish to. I let go of the fear of tomorrow, the secrets I kept locked up inside & the questions I never got to ask. I let go of the judgment that consumed my life, the obsession that controlled my mind & the events that broke pieces off my life. I let go of regretting not saying “I love you” more often, the hugs I never gave before I said goodbye, the times I left on bad terms & the times I felt like life was going to end.
I let go of the depression that took hold of my heart & stole my life.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
9.10pm Michelle came around after work, she was getting the five thousand roses ready for delivery to flemington tomorrow.. (so she bought me some roses);
I like complicated & different;
Oh my Chloe, you would only turn 21? I wish I’m that young, I’m way passed that time and oh… I just need to get away from life :(
It’s been a stress day today and I wish I could sleep forever.
Anyway, when is your bday?
You know what? I though to keep my blog in private :(
Vee
Wednesday, October 29, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Thats a really powerful blog, your words grip and echo round my mind, thoughts from another time and place with in parts of my own life.
Standing up strong and letting go, sliping away the bonds that have held you back and standing up to breath, is quite some acheivment, there are many who will never reach that far.
I only found your blog today, and am glad I did so, I see a sense of power with in you that reaches far beyond your words, a phenix rising from the ashes, full of grace and hidden beauty, strength and depth to boot.
I am looking forward to reading more and am sure your future will be bright and strong.
Duma Key
Wednesday, October 29, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Hey, thank you for your words on my page and of course I do not mind you quoting me I take it as a compliment.
It sounds like you have been through the mill this year – too often we are faced with so much and we take it all on ourselves, we think that our world is not as perfect or even as functioning as someone else’s – but when we get through it and we’re standing safely on the other side we can look back and give ourselves a huge pat on the back for our dedication and mostly for the strength that we didn’t think we had but was right there all the time.
Every day is a lesson, every day is a new dawn. I hope that next year you take with you all that you have learnt when the storms were overhead and apply it to yourself.
Words can hurt just as much as they can heal. We need to throw away the pointless hurtful things that we say to ourselves or others say to us and hold onto the ones that bring comfort – and more than that, those that bring truth!
I admire your strength.
Lou-Lou
Thursday, October 30, 2008 at 1:43 am
Beautiful Chloe… Pouring your heart out in your writing will help. About your brothers addiction… We as addicts don’t realize that we splash our addiction onto those that are in our lives. You become just as addicted to dealing with his addiction as he is to the drugs. I’m sorry you have to go through that because I know how bad it fucked up my loved ones. You asked me if I became a good liar… that isn’t the correct word. MANIPULATOR is more what I became. I developed this ability (which I was good at before) to tell anyone what they wanted to hear to get what I wanted. That’s the hardest thing to let go I think. I still catch myself doing it rather I intended to or not. It could be the lady working at the gas station or a girl I’m interested in. I do it without even thinking about it. About being proud of myself… I am very. I know so many people strung out on Oxys, and I’m the only one to make it where I am… which makes me feel alone and lost. The road that lies ahead of me is going to be a difficult one to walk, but I don’t have a choice. My son deserves a better father. He’s so young now that he won’t remember how I was. He will only know me as the loving father that I am now. Chemical tasting pill, warm sensation, and I know you like going to clubs… so I’m guessing exstacy was your drug of choice??? Thank you for your comment, and thank you for being a friend, even if your half way around the world! Til later sweetie…
Shady
Thursday, October 30, 2008 at 3:42 am
And you made the comment that “even though I don’t know you”… You actually know me better than most of the people that see me everyday. They haven’t read that. Only a hanful of people that know me even know that I write poetry, and very few of them have read it! You know me better than you think. I think it’s like 5am where you live now. SORRY! Hope you get this when you wake up! Have a good day at work. BYE
Shady
Thursday, October 30, 2008 at 4:15 am
No it’s about a girl that I use to date before I met her. She’s kept in touch over the years. She use to live here and now she lives about 2-3 hours away. Since I’ve been single she’s been trying to work things out with me and it’s just to hard. She comes here and stays with me every couple weekends and wants to move back here but I won’t let her. She would have to give up her job and start all over and seeing how I left her before, to be with my sons mother, it’s just not a good idea. She’s a sweetheart, but she isn’t the girl for me. I can be a prick but I’m not gonna let someone throw away their life and start all over on the slim chance we would work. That would be really selfish.
Shady
Thursday, October 30, 2008 at 7:44 am
Thanks for the advice and concern, but it’s not that bad… at least on my side, and I’ve put her through ALOT worse! The 1st time we dated she caught me messing around with 3 other girls. I used to be a bit of a player, but then when my relationship with Brandi went to hell and I knew what it felt like to be hurt, I CHANGED. I totally respect women now, and that’s why I called it off. I didn’t want her to get hurt and that’s what woulda happened. It’s not fair in any relationship when one person is in love with the other, and the other could really care less… Know what I mean? That’s a good idea for a poem…
Shady
Thursday, October 30, 2008 at 9:13 am
When is your birthday actually? I’ve read about the party more than once, but I don’t recall seeing when it actually is.
And I’m glad you realized that you aren’t just what people tell you to be. Being who you’re told to be makes you empty inside. Glad you saw through it :)
Beautiful (the last paragraph in specific). And not just beautiful, but you’re making a decision with a very high standard. It takes guts to let go. Gathering baggage is easy. The letting go part is what’s hard.
Leave Australia? Nah, don’t do that just for the sake of a few animals. *grins* And lol yeah I am from SA. Hm. It’s really cool. Just different from most other places, I suppose. It’s quite hot here atm, but it should rain soon. There are also a lot of people. Walking around the streets is really cool, even if only because of all the weird people you see. The people themselves are generally nice (in my opinion, at any rate). Depends on who you talk to though. There is always the crime factor and all, which is pretty high. Hm *wonders what else it’s like* Well, like most other countries with cities and people. *grins*
cravingoxygen
Thursday, October 30, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Just wanted to say hi! I haven’t left you a message today. I hope your day went well, and I’m putting up a new post right now. You asked me if that poem was about Josiahs’ mom and I realized I haven’t really posted anything I wrote when I was with her, so I started going through my note books. Hope you like it and I hope you understand the pain I went through. I think this poem is very powerful… Hopefully you do too! Later gorgeous…
Shady
Friday, October 31, 2008 at 9:51 am
We have joint custody… I get him 2-3 days through the week and every other weekend. She is actually very civil with him. We don’t fight about him at all. If it’s her day and I want him she’ll let me have him and vice-versa. I have him tonight and took him trick or treating… He was so cute! I don’t really hate her, I RESENT HER! I spent 4 years trying to make her happy and trying to be what I thought she would want me to be. We split up for a few months and dated other people and 2 days after we got back together she found out she was pregnant again… I knew it wasn’t mine and STILL stood by her side through the whole pregnancy. She decided that we weren’t gonna work when Parker was 3 days old… Fuckin bitch, oh did I type that LOL! I still take him on as my own. His father doesn’t have anything to do with him and that’s not his fault. He still needs a father figure. He knew my voice before he was born so I stayed with it. He calls me dada and I can’t tell him not to because he hears Josiah say it. It’s complicated but after 4 years of being there when SHE NEEDED ME and only then I learned how to say NO!!! Now she tries but it’s not worth it to me. I’d go back to her and as soon as she found a new toy it would be BYE BYE Jeremy. I use to take advantage and play alot of girls and when I found out how it felt, I re-evaluated my intentions. I hurt alot of girls and I made it a goal to apologize to all of them. WOW, that was a long comment… SORRY BABE!
Shady
Friday, October 31, 2008 at 11:50 am
Thomas the Train… He loves that lil guy. He has practically every train they make. Lucky # 200 huh??? Well I’m glad you enjoy my comments. That cracks me up cause I wonder If you picture the way I talk correctly. I doubt it. Hell, if you met me in person you would have no clue that I write the things I do. The few people that I’ve let read it look at me like there’s no way I wrote that. I guess I don’t have the image of a poet, although it does work well with the ladies. LOL! I think it’s like a lil after noon where you are. How wierd… It’s 10pm here. That’s kinda freaky. You are 15 hours ahead of me so technically you should know my future, right??? I hope you are having a great day!
Shady
Friday, October 31, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I’m way way older than you Chloe :)
But you sounds unlike your age, and I very seldom find that. I think I kept telling you that you does think things deeply. And here I am telling you that again :)
Sorry to hear about your brother though. I’m not sure if I can understand but you can talk about it with me if you like :)
BTW, been busy at work, I’ve got shipment docs to handle going from Vancouver-Korea-Indonesia-Japan O_o so yeah been super busy. Hardly get a time to update, but I’ll always check my site if someone leaves me a msg. Glad you did tho! ;)
Hope you doing well and hv a great weekend ahead!
xx
Vee
Saturday, November 1, 2008 at 2:49 am
Oh I forgot to tell you my age, I thought I had in my first comment, :P Im 27 yrs old :)
Vee
Saturday, November 1, 2008 at 2:51 am
You crossed me as more of a red and white rose girl??? Just wanted to say HI and see how you were doing today! Hopefully your day went better than mine. I’ve deffinetely had better, but then again I’ve also had worse. I guess that’s the one good thing about going through all the bad shit with Brandi that I did. I’ve always been through worse. I could find out I had cancer and had 6 months to live and it wouldn’t hurt as bad as living through that nightmare. Well gorgeous, I won’t take up anymore of your comment page. I know how you hate my long comments…LOL! Hope you have a good weekend!
Shady
Saturday, November 1, 2008 at 10:23 am
I read your comment on craving oxygens’ page. Your birthday is the 26th??? My sons is the 17th! and my ex girlfriends is the 19th (not Brandi, the other girl that fucked up my life)LOL! Her name was TARA and to breifly describe her to you, she was an obsessive, psycotic, physically abuse, psysciopathic, crazy bitch! I get all the good women! It wasn’t all bad though. She was amazing in bed and…and…and… shit that’s all she was good for! LOL!
Shady
Saturday, November 1, 2008 at 10:36 am
It was just an interesting day full of women troubles! I tend to get myself in more trouble with girls than anyone I know. I’m really content in the single life, atleast for now, and I’m honest with the girls I date. Seeing how I’m terrified of getting hurt, commitment is something I try to stay away from. I figure when I find the right one, I’ll know. Anyways, I tend to get these girls that think they can change that. They end up getting jealous, obsessive, and eventually hurt. Once upon a time I woulda taken this as my fault, but I’m completely honest! I don’t lie to anyone, and I don’t lead anyone on. It’s kinda a you do what you want on your time, I’ll do the same, and when we are together we’ll do our thing… Does that make since??? My birthday was August 7th. Was I right about the red and white roses then???
Shady
Saturday, November 1, 2008 at 10:46 pm
By the way, I like how you can see your reflection on the window in the pic with the dog. Do you have pets? Any tattoos? I know that was kinda random, just curious…
Shady
Saturday, November 1, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Chole, I just found your blog today via Shady’s blog. I don’t know a whole lot about you but you do sound much older and wiser than your soon to be 21 years. “Good bye animosity” is wonderfullly written. It is wonderfully written by a person 3 times your age yet especially brilliant for someone your age who has her head around what can happen when you hold tightly to the things that should be released. I’ve read the comments to “Good bye animosity” and realised that I am at least twice the age of most of your readers. I hope it doesn’t matter that I have intruded but I like the ideas and notions that you and your readers have expresed.
Sadie
Sunday, November 2, 2008 at 10:31 pm
I’m not sure any more there is any such thing as letting go…i think it is more realistic to let things be…when whatever it is that rears its head does so, let it be, look at it, and then let it pass…and it will pass.
You are a welcome addition to my blog and am grateful for whatever it was that led you to click through.
*hugs
serenity
Monday, November 3, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I can now read this post with a whole new perspective.
You shouldn’t let anyone or anything hinder writing or posting on your blog. Your blog is for personal expression. If she really is bothering you that much, maybe you should consider starting a completely different blog with a different username and then just bring all your pics and posts over to there from here. If it’s really that serious.
I think that you are strong enough to be able to cope, though.
I’m glad I helped at least a little. And you can unload/rant at me any time you like :) That is what I’m here for, most of the time.
cravingoxygen
Saturday, December 27, 2008 at 1:01 pm